fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
