I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
