I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
