I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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