I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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