I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Randomize
