there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
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