Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
