I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Send help, water and tortillas.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Randomize