I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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