So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
