Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
