No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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