I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
