YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
