All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
