Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
