she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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