I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
