But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i will never coherently bang her
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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