My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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