I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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