I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I need water and some morals
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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