I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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