I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
