I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
