sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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