Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
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