I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
