I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
