A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
