so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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