Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
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