I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
