a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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