please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
