Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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