Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
