Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
