it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
