Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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