my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Edward fifth and chaser hands
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
