You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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