after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Randomize
