She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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