You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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