I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
