just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
