I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
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