Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Never underestimate the power of titties
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