I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
