Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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